Lullaby of Broadway

Thanksgiving break is 3 days away...then I have 2 and a half weeks of classes before finals when we get back.  How is it that time goes so quickly???  I turned 20 a little over a month ago...TWENTY. it's probly the weirdest birthday I've had yet.  My sophomore year of college is almost halfway done.  A year from now I will (most likely) be celebrating the holiday with people I have not yet met in England.  Then I'll get back and have to finish whatever major/s I manage to settle on in the next couple months.  Life's kind of been flying by lately and as much as I'm trying to just accept that and enjoy it while it lasts, I can't help but look ahead and panic a little.
I've become more and more aware that I really don't know what I want to do with my life.  I have my heart set on majoring in theater still, but when it comes around to registering I find myself closed out of nearly all my theater classes and getting really excited about the 4 women's studies and 2 english classes I'm planning on taking.  But I love theater, I really do and I won't give it up because if I do I'd be backing down and giving up the thing I love most.  But when it comes down to it I really just don't know what I want.  I've always wanted to work in theater and i've always wanted to make some kind of difference in something.  And it seemed like directing was what I wanted to do and I do love it but im having trouble really putting myself out there.  and then there's stage managing....and as much as it can be a really shitty job i'm reallyy good at it, and i don't mind it....I don't know if i really love it but then again i don't if thats the kind of thing people can get really passionate about.  But i guess it's something to do and it's something I do well.  Just recently they've mentioned starting an arts admin program...it'll probly be too late for me to really do that, but I feel like it's something I could get into and be pretty good at.  hyper organizational skills kind of pay off sometimes.  
But would I be happy working as a stage manager or in arts administration??? I don't really know...I guess it would pretty fullfilling to be doing something I do well.  I just wish I was ok with not getting recognition for things.  I hate it but I feel like I'd probably like stage managing a lot more if I got more credit for it.  It's not like it's an easy job but people tend totake it for granted...and this shouldn't really be something I care about but I'm used to being on the stage or directing where people can visibly see all the work you put into something.  

I've been trying to just let things happen but it's kind of gettting to a point where I need to be making decisions and pursuing things and that's not just scary it's reallyyy hard.  No matter what I end up doing I'll end up ignoring/giving up something I really love.  I guess that's just the way it goes.

Ahhhh well now that I've gotten that out....I can pretty much say things are going well.  I'm happy and enjoying myself generally.  I'm not really loving my classes right now cuz most of them are really just for requirements, but i'm getting excited for next semester.  And eventuallly I'll figure out the rest of my life and I can calm down about that.

Hope all is well with everyone and hopefully I'll see at least some of you over thanksgiving <3333 much love 

So that whole life not being fair thing? it officially applies extra right now.
Long story short, i didnt get into ANYTHING.

I wish i was home right now :-(

Well i havent really updated much cuz there hasn't been much to update about.  I work...i hang out with friends...i work....i work some more....i watch tv....really life is exciting.

I love home a lot and i missed my friends and my family and im definitely having fun, but there just isn't all that much to do.  and i shouldnt complain cuz to be honest i havent made all that much of an effort.  theres a good chance its gonna be a verryyyy long summer...but at least im fairly relaxed :-)

I saw Curtains tonight. It was really great i liked ita LOT.  for one thing, David Hyde Pierce is my hero.  He absolutely deserved the Tony and hes a nice guy and i really think that he just genuinely LOVES theater...musical theater specifically.  It was a fun show...a very classic, yet different broadway show.  I don't have the attention span to be specific so im not gonna try.

nothing else to say...at least nothing interesting.  supposed to find out about onstage tomorrow...fingers are crossed but whatever happens happens and ill be good with it.  for nowl, back to sex and the city :-)  much love!

I can't believe I've only been home for a little over a week.  I feel like its been at least 2 or 3 if not like a month lol

Life at home has been pretty good...I haven't done all that much.
Basically been sitting around, watching a LOT of tv.  Unpacked a bit...not quite enough yet as my bags and boxes are still pretty much taking over my living room.  
Nothing too exciting has happened...realized just how little there is to do around here, helped out at Relay for Life last night, then went to 80s party at Jenn's.  It's all been really chill and relaxed yet fun.  I've been getting along decently with my parents.  Like i said there hasnt really been all that much going on lately

Pretty much the only real thing that's happened has been that I got a job!!!! :-) yay 
It's such a relief to know what I'm doing, which is lifeguarding at an appartment complex in Ridgewood, which is probly gonna be pretty sweet and not much work.  If anyone has any good book suggestions I'd love to hear them as I'm pretty sure I'll be getting a lot of reading done when no one's swimming. 
I have also officially decided to spend my nights in the second half of the summer with Onstage.  I have some mixed feelings about it but when it comes down to it the show is 42nd Street and I need to do it at some point so why not now.  I'm sure it'll be a good time no matter what, and at least I'll have Meredith :-)

Just a random little update to keep everyone informed lol <3 much love!

What is going on here???  I finally start kinda writing in my lj and everyone else stops?  Oh well, what can you do!

So Tuesday night I was 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee :-)  It was definitely one of the best things I've seen in a whileIt was just SO so much fun.  We were sitting on the floor which was great especially since the whole cast ran into the audience often lol  My parents loved it, I loved it...and best of all.....Barrett Foa was in it!!! :-)  What a cutie <3

Yesterday I went on a job hunt...the search itself wasn't bad...but the filling out of aplications kinda sucks a lot lol  I have a bunch and its taken like two days.  I'm almost done and I'm gonna drop them off later today.  Then last night I went to Loehmann's with Jackie and Julia and Hammie met us there.  Bought a cute dress and a shirt and such...it was a pretty successful trip and we spent like 2 hours there :-)  Then we met pretty much everyone else at Matthew's.  I'm not always the biggest fan of big group things but we haven't all seen each other in so long that it was totally fine and lots of fun.  A few of us went back to my house and sat on the porch which was wayyy reminiscent of summer and now i reallyyy want it to come lol.  Josh showed up at EXACTLY midnight which happened to be the very beginning of his birthday!  So that was nice it was good to see him again.  Hung out with matt for a while after everyone left and that was really nice....especially since I'm not gonna see him again till August :-( which is just kinda weird.

Todayyyyy i get to go to Wagner!!! :-) I'm excitedddd!!! Ok nothing else to say...much love <3

I don't remember the last time I got along with my parents this well.  I don't wanna jinx it or anything but the past few days have been SO so nice.  I spent an entire car ride home with my mommy and it was pretty enjoyable for a change.  Yesterday I spent most of my day shopping with my mom and my grandma.  Then I wanted to stay over at Rob's house and i asked my parents (told them the truth for once) and they said it was my decision.  So I decided to stay and it wasn't an issue.  They were totally fine with it.  Thenn I came home today after having not slept at alllll and went right back to bed and we just laughed about it.   Then tonight, we went out to Olive Garden for dinner and didn't fight at all.  Lots of laughing lots of talking.  Then we got home and I watched The Chronicles of Narnia with my mommy and...YET AGAIN we got along perfectly. 

I don't quite know whats going on...but im pretty sure i like it.  My parents have always sort of driven me over the edge whenever things are bad, but maybe, just maybe now they'll be exactly what i need :-)

Life at home has been pretty uneventful and fairly relaxing.  Other than that i have nothing else to say.  Love to all <3

Actually, its the sunset...and it is BEAUTIFUL...pink orange, blue, green every color you can probly think of right over the mountains....it looks like a painting :-)
Anyways, the weather was GORGEOUS today..it was still a little chilly but it was definitely the first spring-like feelings i've had in a whiiiile.  It was really sunny, the day was longer, I only had to wear my NorthFace fleece (instead of my big winter coat), and people just looked happier.  Most importantly, I even felt happier :-)  Winter has a really weird effect on emotion but i really hate it.  The snow is starting to melt and I couldn't be happier, I am soooo ready for spring.

So Vagina Monologues is over :-(  It's a little sad.  I kinda miss everyone already.  Honestly, I've never been so proud of anything I've done.  It was an AMAZING show, everyone was so great and it was fun and it was important.  People are STILL coming up to me (people I don't know) and telling me how great it was and how great I was.  I can't even explain how good that feels.  That they recognize me, that they enjoyed it, that it made some kind of impact on them however big or small.  I also feel like i gained a lot of respect from the theater kids who, up till now, have only seen me behind the scenes or in musicals.  It was kinda nice to prove that I'm a good actress too.  All in all I'm just happy with how it went.  The whole weekend too...the cast party was GREAT  so much fun...I dont know it was just a happy weekend.

Now I'm stuck with tons of work, but I'm staying on to of it pretty much.  Next week and this weekend is gonna be crazy, but then spring break will be such a relief.  I don't have any DEFINITE plans yet except most likely seeing Grease and Anything Goes and staying at Wagner for a night.  I love being home so it'll be nice to be there for more than just a weekend and maybe actually see some people lol.

As for now I'm off to dinner, a lecture, and then rehearsal for the show I'm stage managing...more about that later :-)

Miss and love everyone way too much<3

Today wasn't as absolutely awful as I was expected...largely impart to a much-needed snow day :-)
I spent the day in Kim and Christina's room doing absolutely nothing.  I finished knitting an entire scarf, read a little, and basically watched liek 4 straight hours of Without a Trace lol which ive discovered is actually a pretty good show.  We ordered chinese for dinner which was the best comfort food there could be and then we didnt have to venture out into the snow.  Then there was a "study break" in the penthouse (12th floor of my building) where the Bandersnatchers (our all-male accapella group i love) sang <3 so that was fun and i got more chocolate and cookies lol  Sadly a fire alarm went off around 11 and we were forced out into the snow...keep in mind i was wearing just a sweatshirt and sandals with socks.  It was not so much fun.  Now I'm sitting in my room watching 10 things.  It's not making me sad :-) probly just cuz its so familiar and i love it so much its almost comforting.  

I'm not quite sure why today didn't suck...i guess i should probly just accept that sometimes life can be ok.  Everythings just been sort of blah lately, i can't manage to make myself feel what I want to feel.  I'm also getting really bitter about the good thing thats happening for one of my friends when i really shouldnt be.  I want her to be happy I really really do, I just sometimes kinda wish things like this could happen for me.  

I can't complain about not having a miserable valentine's day, and believe me im not complaining at alllll.  I just hate this in-between point.  Not just with today, but with everything.  I should be content with life being ok but for some reason I can't be, I feel like it should either be really really good or really really bad, and I hate that but I don't know how to accept other things.

Now that I've stopped making sense altogether I'm gonna just go and leave you all with love and hugs and kisses and the knowledge that i miss you WAY way much <3

I've been thinking nonstop over the past few days for understandable reasons.  I have trouble sleeping and can't focus on anything in particular cuz im just sad and thinking about things all the time.  I'm so happy I was home this weekend, it was one of the hardest few days of my life but its made me realize just how lucky i am.  I struggle with my faith a lot but its times like this that make me believe in some kind of force in the universe that must be looking out for me, because theres no way I'd ever be able to get through things on my own.

I have amazing friends.  Most people dont ever get as lucky as I am to have these truly unbelievable people in their lives and I couldn't be more thankful.  I guess this is sort of why I struggle with my issues so much.  Because I really cant help my unhappiness and the rational part in my brain wants to explain it away but it can't its just there and sometimes its something you just have to live with and work through and just keep living.  The idea of suicide scared me so much and i guess this all effected me so much because its such a real thing.  There are days when i jsut feel so totally and completely down that i dont really know if im gonna be able to pick myself back up again.  Somehow I've found the strength to just carry on anyway and I don't really know how.  Sometimes it gets worse because i fees so guilty about it.  Because i AM incredibly lucky and blessed, and i do know that.  I feel bad being unhappy when there are people out there who have it so much worse than i do.  But sometimes you just can't help it.  It has nothing to do with anyone else or the things and people i have or dont have.  Sometimes it doesnt even have anything to do with me, it just is.  And I guess thats what makes it so scary, the lack of control, the guilt.  
I have my family, and i have my friends.  and I am thankful for them and they have gotten me through everything these past years and i am terrified to think about what i would do without them.  

What happened has nothing to do with me, but maybe its helped a little.  Maybe it can help other people too.  It's made me think, and its made me confident and its made me proud of my strength and thankful for what I have.  I never would have been able to put this out there a week ago and now i can.
I'm scared.
I'm scared things won't ever really be "ok".
I'm scared I'll never know what happiness is.
I'm scared I'll lose the people I love.
I'm scared I've already lost myself.
I'm scared that I won't ever find the help I need, and
I'm scared that I don't really want help.

Most of all, I guess I'm kind of scared that I might just be ok now.  That this is the way my life is supposed to be and that it will go on like this forever and I will spend my whole life settling.
I'm really scared of settling.

I don't know what to think anymore, now that I've just let everything come out.  My mind is blank and my stomachs kind of doing flip-flops.  Physically it feels horrible, mentally im just confused and a little numb.


*This was a stream of consciousness that I felt was necessary for me to get out in this time that I'm struggling with a lot of things.  I appreciate that you're all here for me if i need you and i love you for it*

I really should be doing work, but I kinda decided my time would be better spent rambling about life here! :-)

Things have been going alright.  This weekend was kinda great, I wrote about the retreat friday, then saturday I got back and it was kinda sad cuz Elana (the roomie) was really sick with this bad stomach virus (more on that later...).  But the rest of the day was ok and that night i drank a bit (and by a bit i mean a lot) and went to a concert thing on campus and then went back and played Kings (such a good game) with Kim, Christina, Matthias (Kim's bf who was visiting), and Chris.  It was a really low-key night but just a lot of fun.  The next couple days were fairly uneventful, kinda just hung around, did work and such.  Had some nice random times with Kim and Christina.  As far as that goes, I must say, my self-esteem issues were kinda kicking in a little lately.  It's hard this whole making new friends thing.  I think back to the start of a lot of my current friendships and i was always wondering if they really liked me and really wanted to be my friend or if i was just always hanging around them and being annoying (silly i know but still a fact), and after this past week, i kinda just feel like they really care.  So what if i haven't made tons of great friends in college...i've only been here a little more than one semester and ive already met some awesome people, even though we may not be as close as I'd like.  But I HAVE met these two unbelievable friends and its weird to think ive only known them for a few months cuz theyre already two of my best friends, and i am SO so so lucky to have that. so i guess what I'm trying to say is I'm pretty happy.

Moving on though, life was going on as usual and thennn last night, I was completely fine the whole day, then got into bed and like 130 and it all went to hell lol.  Apparently I had caught that bad stomach virus that Elana had (and is currently going around campus).  It sucked a lot, i didn't sleep at all..i'll save you the gory details but it was just bad.  Then I had to miss all my classes yesterday and I hate doing that...but i did sleep a lot and now i feel a LOT better.  Luckily it was just a 24 hour thing so as bad as it was its better than something that lasts a while. 

But really thats been the only bad thing happening lately.  And it kinda came at a nice time cuz I'm gonna be home this weekend to see Forum :-)  I've been slightly homesick lately too so im really excited.  Anddd im excited for the show, I know they're gonna be amazing, tho it is gonna be a little sad not to be up there with them.  (ps, i appologize if i dont get to see you this weekend but spring break is just around the corner and you know i love you alll <3)

In other news, Vagina Monologues are still going really well...im actually getting pretty confident with my monologues which is really nice.  They still need work and everything but I'm proud of myself so far so thats really nice.  *cough cough FEBRUARY 23RD AND 24TH cough cough* ahem :-) teehee

Love and miss everyone!!  I'm off to actually do that work now!