Lullaby of Broadway

Here or There...

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 20:51:04 GMT

Thanksgiving break is 3 days away...then I have 2 and a half weeks of classes before finals when we get back. How is it that time goes so quickly??? I turned 20 a little over a month ago...TWENTY. it's probly the weirdest birthday I've had yet. My sophomore year of college is almost halfway done. A year from now I will (most likely) be celebrating the holiday with people I have not yet met in England. Then I'll get back and have to finish whatever major/s I manage to settle on in the next couple months. Life's kind of been flying by lately and as much as I'm trying to just accept that and enjoy it while it lasts, I can't help but look ahead and panic a little.
I've become more and more aware that I really don't know what I want to do with my life. I have my heart set on majoring in theater still, but when it comes around to registering I find myself closed out of nearly all my theater classes and getting really excited about the 4 women's studies and 2 english classes I'm planning on taking. But I love theater, I really do and I won't give it up because if I do I'd be backing down and giving up the thing I love most. But when it comes down to it I really just don't know what I want. I've always wanted to work in theater and i've always wanted to make some kind of difference in something. And it seemed like directing was what I wanted to do and I do love it but im having trouble really putting myself out there. and then there's stage managing....and as much as it can be a really shitty job i'm reallyy good at it, and i don't mind it....I don't know if i really love it but then again i don't if thats the kind of thing people can get really passionate about. But i guess it's something to do and it's something I do well.  Just recently they've mentioned starting an arts admin program...it'll probly be too late for me to really do that, but I feel like it's something I could get into and be pretty good at. hyper organizational skills kind of pay off sometimes.
But would I be happy working as a stage manager or in arts administration??? I don't really know...I guess it would pretty fullfilling to be doing something I do well. I just wish I was ok with not getting recognition for things. I hate it but I feel like I'd probably like stage managing a lot more if I got more credit for it. It's not like it's an easy job but people tend totake it for granted...and this shouldn't really be something I care about but I'm used to being on the stage or directing where people can visibly see all the work you put into something.

I've been trying to just let things happen but it's kind of gettting to a point where I need to be making decisions and pursuing things and that's not just scary it's reallyyy hard. No matter what I end up doing I'll end up ignoring/giving up something I really love.  I guess that's just the way it goes.

Ahhhh well now that I've gotten that out....I can pretty much say things are going well. I'm happy and enjoying myself generally. I'm not really loving my classes right now cuz most of them are really just for requirements, but i'm getting excited for next semester. And eventuallly I'll figure out the rest of my life and I can calm down about that.

Hope all is well with everyone and hopefully I'll see at least some of you over thanksgiving <3333 much love

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 06:17:47 GMT

So that whole life not being fair thing? it officially applies extra right now.
Long story short, i didnt get into ANYTHING.

I wish i was home right now :-(

Everyone goes round a little...unsatisfied

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 04:47:17 GMT

I just had to go back in my journal to check when the last time I updated was....that's probably a bad sign.

So summer's over....I've officially been back at school for a full week. To backtrack summer was....different I guess. I was definitely expecting way way way too much from my first summer after college. I definitely have grown up a lot and so have a few people I know. As for the rest...well, I think I've come to terms with the fact that there's a time and a place for everyone in your life. Nearly all the people I have been friends with are incredibly important to me and have been pretty great friends...but that doesn't mean we have to stay BFF...literally. I have some few VERY close friends, some people I love to be around, some acquaintances I'd like to get to know better and some people I really miss knowing well. I'd like to get some friendships back the way they were. If that doesn't happen I'll move on...and I honestly mean that this time. I'm finally ready to walk away from things. Which brings me to onstage (obviously). As i think everyone knows onstage defined a major part of my life......but that part is over. I love onstage and everything about it and I have learned so SO much about life and about love through it (cheesy, yes but bear with me please). I know Stef already said it, and I think Deanna did too, but I'm gonna repeat it cuz it's how I feel. I learned about theater through onstage. I learned how much I loved it and why I loved it. I learned to be confident, and happy. I experienced life for the first time really. This summer was no different. Onstage taught me a lot yet again. Last year, I thought I was ready to let it go but I wasn't....as I proved by spending every night there for the entire summer. I think, in large part, it was because there was always the possibility I could go back. I've been waiting for onstage to do 42nd Street for years and I would have done it no matter what. Luckily, it appears like someone was looking out for me because I FINALLY got that wish. It was perfect timing too. As sad and final as it seems, I'm ready to walk away without going back. I'll be at the shows always, and I have no intention of cutting ties with people associated with it....I will always love onstage and onstage people whether I am in close contact with them or not. But for the first time in my life I am ok with something being a part of my past...a very important part, yes, but still in the past.

On a somewhat lighter note, 42nd Street really was amazing. I kinda thought I was done making good friendships at onstage but I was most definitely wrong. I made some really good new friends and got so much closer with some old ones which was really great. All in all i just had a great time and thats really all i can say about it. Other than that my summer was fairly uneventful. I worked all the time, which was nice for the money and all but my social life (and sanity) may have suffered a little bit. I got my mini vaca through camping and that was a really good weekend. But other than that things were very routine and I definitely didn't get as much out of the summer as I would have liked. I'm not complaining though...I did get to hang out with my friends and relax a lot!

Now I'm back at school. I love it. It's absolutely not the same and there's been a lot to readjust to. But i love living around my friends, it makes everything so much easier and I have people I love right outside my door and even in my own room! I like meetiing some new people, though I would kind of like to find some more. Classes are going well, though I already have lots of work and we havent even gotten through a full week of classes. I feel like I've been here so much longer already.

I guess the reason I decided to updater right now was because I'm kind of sad...a little disappointed. Things have been going well and while I'm not devestated right now (things could most definitely be worse) I am, as I said, a little disappointed. I tried out for the theater department shows again this semester. I tried out first semester freshman year and didnt get into anything and didn't get any callbacks. While I was a little bummed then I knew I hadn't tried as hard as I could have and I got over it prett fast. I didnt try out second semester last year cuz I was already doing Vagina Monologues (and I couldn't be happier that i did). So at the end of last year, I decided that this semester I would do it right. I'd go into the audition with a monologue I reallly loved and had worked on, and then I'd see if it was my lack of preparedness or just me. Apparently it's just me. I had my audition Friday and i thought it went pretty well. They laughed a fair amount and I was confident and pulled together and I thought I did pretty well. I found out friday night I didnt get called back for the 2 main shows. I was a lil sad then but I blew it off. I didnt REALLY want to be in those shows, they're a huge committment and I could be focusing on other things. I was waiting to find out about workshop (student directed shows) callbacks tonight. Needless to say I didn't get any.

I shouldnt be all that upset because there were only about 20 girl parts (collectively in all 5 shows that were being done), so that kinda sucked. I knew going into it I didn't have much of a shot, theres tons of really talented girls in the department and all. And on top of all that I'm not even focusing on acting. It's not something I want to do with the rest of my life, it's just something I enjoy doing. I REALLY wanted a callback though. Just one little callback for one little show. A couple people got 2 shows....there are probly like a hundred girls trying out for 20 parts and some got 2. All I wanted was a little recognition...for someone to consider me for their show I love to act and I kinda just wanted a little affirmation.

Life will go on though. I'll get over it and maybe something better will even come along...for now I guess I'm allowed to be a little sad though. Now I have to decide whether or not to try out for Fame... and maybe I will, I've kinda got a little bit of an inferiority low self esteem complex thing going on right now though so I dont know how I'm gonna handle rejection. AND I'm auditioning for Stompin' Soles (the tap group) again on Wednesday. That's really important to me so I kinda hope it works out. And I was gonna audition for the dance show that everyone gets into you just get placed in different dances....but i just found out they don't have a lot of choreographers this year so they might have to reject people, and there we go again. It just kidna sucks. I know everyone deals with rejection...especiallly in theater. and I'm fine with that, that's one of the reasons I'm not making a career out of performing...It's just too bad the things I love are so damn competitive. I didn't deal with much rejection in High School, I was really lucky there and I know it. But now I'm kinda questioning whether I was really any good or if things just happened to work out for me?

ok the bitching and moaning is done now. I hate being a drama queen, i just had all this in my head and no where else to put it. I don't really wanna talk about it cuz I'll get upset...so I just wrote it down...at least it's something to do.

Put that behind the cut cuz it felt a little overdramatic....i kinda just did a stream of consciousness type thing so feel free to ignore it. I'm going to go try to relax and maybe work a little <3 hope everyone is well

Adrenaline

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 07:39:48 GMT

It's 3:30 AM and i am WIDE awake. I just saw the midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I think it was absolutely amazing. Being in the heat of the moment still really, i dont have very good words that I can use to describe how i feel about it and how wonderful i think it was, but i had a really great time tonight. I saw the movie with some really good friends, i think the movie was really well done....casting was brilliant....Luna was PERFECT. It definitely did the book justice, in fact i think it may have even made the book better. Overall i laughed and cried and felt really involved in everything that was happening and had a really good time and i dont ask for too much more from a movie :-)

like i said, I just don't have the words right now, maybe at some point ill be able to write a coherent review-type thing but for now this works for me :-)

Summer days, drifting away....

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 05:27:05 GMT

This summer is not quite what i hoped it would be. Granted I'm having fun, doing some nice things...and when im out doing these things im having a blast and its great. Otherwise, though, im slightly disappointed. And I guess that's no one's fault but my own so there's no sense in compaining about it.

All things considered the last week or so was pretty good. Went to Montclair last weekend with Jenn and Julia and ended up having a really nice night -- great food at a cute restaurant, really nice weather, funny funny movie ("You Kill Me"...i recommend it), oh and i walked into a pole and then we got lost/almost died in Newark. you know, the usual ;-) Then last Sunday went to the beach with almostttt everyone. It was kinda amazing to have so many of my friends all in the same place at the same time. Then, during the week, I've pretty much just been working all the time (if all goes as planned that will change slightly in a couple weeks thank goodness). Thursday learning 42nd street choreography was exactly what i needed. I'm REALLY excited for the show, it'll give me something to do/focus on...not to mention its something i love with people who are pretty great themselves. Fridays afterwards felt about as close to old school onstage as were gonna get so that was really nice. Last night, road tripped with Reenie to see Katie in West Side. The show was really great, the leads are incredible, Katie was unbelievably sexy, and the ride there and back was wonderfully enjoyable due to the fabulous company :-)

So all in all life has been good...and you never know, exciting things tend to happen when i least expect it so perhaps i should just keep enjoying what i have for the time being. <3 much love to all

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 03:54:02 GMT

Well i havent really updated much cuz there hasn't been much to update about. I work...i hang out with friends...i work....i work some more....i watch tv....really life is exciting.

I love home a lot and i missed my friends and my family and im definitely having fun, but there just isn't all that much to do. and i shouldnt complain cuz to be honest i havent made all that much of an effort. theres a good chance its gonna be a verryyyy long summer...but at least im fairly relaxed :-)

I saw Curtains tonight. It was really great i liked ita LOT. for one thing, David Hyde Pierce is my hero. He absolutely deserved the Tony and hes a nice guy and i really think that he just genuinely LOVES theater...musical theater specifically. It was a fun show...a very classic, yet different broadway show. I don't have the attention span to be specific so im not gonna try.

nothing else to say...at least nothing interesting. supposed to find out about onstage tomorrow...fingers are crossed but whatever happens happens and ill be good with it. for nowl, back to sex and the city :-) much love!

Summertime...

Mon, 21 May 2007 04:03:12 GMT

I can't believe I've only been home for a little over a week. I feel like its been at least 2 or 3 if not like a month lol

Life at home has been pretty good...I haven't done all that much.
Basically been sitting around, watching a LOT of tv. Unpacked a bit...not quite enough yet as my bags and boxes are still pretty much taking over my living room.
Nothing too exciting has happened...realized just how little there is to do around here, helped out at Relay for Life last night, then went to 80s party at Jenn's. It's all been really chill and relaxed yet fun. I've been getting along decently with my parents. Like i said there hasnt really been all that much going on lately

Pretty much the only real thing that's happened has been that I got a job!!!! :-) yay
It's such a relief to know what I'm doing, which is lifeguarding at an appartment complex in Ridgewood, which is probly gonna be pretty sweet and not much work. If anyone has any good book suggestions I'd love to hear them as I'm pretty sure I'll be getting a lot of reading done when no one's swimming.
I have also officially decided to spend my nights in the second half of the summer with Onstage. I have some mixed feelings about it but when it comes down to it the show is 42nd Street and I need to do it at some point so why not now. I'm sure it'll be a good time no matter what, and at least I'll have Meredith :-)

Just a random little update to keep everyone informed lol <3 much love!

Tue, 15 May 2007 04:41:12 GMT

I feel like i should right something deep and meaningful about my freshman year of college coming to an end....but i have nothing to say really.
It was amazing...college was pretty much all i had hoped for and possibly more. It was worth the wait and im really happy with my choice of schools. I guess I've changed, but that's what happens when you grow up and go away. And the people in my life have changed and what i want to do has changed and all in all i guess what im saying is as scary as it is its not necessarily as bad a thing as i always thought. Everything has to change or else life would be pretty boring.

Basic update about my life right now...im majoring in theater (most likely concentrating in directing) and english and minoring in women's studies. It might be crazy to try it all but the overachiever in me thinks its possible so i will attempt it. They're all things i really love and if im ever going to learn anything about them its gonna be in college. Oh and the whole life plan i had going into college has now gone out the window and, while i know what i want to major in, my plan for careers after college changes daily. I suppose that's normal but i dont really enjoy not having a clue what im working towards. Overall freshman year was a great experience though. I worked really hard, in the theater and classes, got pretty good grades, and for once im really satisfied with working to learn as much as possible instead of just for a grade. So worked hard, but played a lot too. Met some pretty great people and made some amazing friends. I think i got lucky and met two people who became some of my best friends in the world within my first month of college. My roommate situation was perfect...and i just met tons of fun people everywhere i met.

The end of the year was bittersweet of course. It's nice to be done and to have a break, but its also kinda sad to have to leave everyone when i was just starting to really settle in. I'm excited for next year tho. Now that i know what im getting into i know how to manage things better. anddd im really excited about my living situation...a suite with 5 of my good friends...living in a double with my friend christina and next door to kim...were gonna have crazy suite parties its gonna be fantastic :-)

As for summer...well i've only had 2 days of it and so far its pretty nice. Though i am getting a little antsy already...im working on the whole job hunt thing. It's stressing me out i dont wanna talk about it lol .... unless someone happens to know somewhere good to work thats hiring???? help!!! lol

i think im gonna try and sleep a little...or at least read or something <3 much love to alll....call me if you're around so i dont get too bored or stressed :-)

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 15:54:44 GMT

What is going on here??? I finally start kinda writing in my lj and everyone else stops? Oh well, what can you do!

So Tuesday night I was 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee :-) It was definitely one of the best things I've seen in a whileIt was just SO so much fun. We were sitting on the floor which was great especially since the whole cast ran into the audience often lol My parents loved it, I loved it...and best of all.....Barrett Foa was in it!!! :-) What a cutie <3

Yesterday I went on a job hunt...the search itself wasn't bad...but the filling out of aplications kinda sucks a lot lol I have a bunch and its taken like two days. I'm almost done and I'm gonna drop them off later today. Then last night I went to Loehmann's with Jackie and Julia and Hammie met us there. Bought a cute dress and a shirt and such...it was a pretty successful trip and we spent like 2 hours there :-) Then we met pretty much everyone else at Matthew's. I'm not always the biggest fan of big group things but we haven't all seen each other in so long that it was totally fine and lots of fun. A few of us went back to my house and sat on the porch which was wayyy reminiscent of summer and now i reallyyy want it to come lol. Josh showed up at EXACTLY midnight which happened to be the very beginning of his birthday! So that was nice it was good to see him again. Hung out with matt for a while after everyone left and that was really nice....especially since I'm not gonna see him again till August :-( which is just kinda weird.

Todayyyyy i get to go to Wagner!!! :-) I'm excitedddd!!! Ok nothing else to say...much love <3

Lists and Things

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 05:25:42 GMT

Today was a day of ups and downs that ultimately ended up in happiness :-)

So I woke up (a little later than I should have but oh well what can you do).
Picked up Julia and went to Natalie's in Ridgewood for lunch.
Had some REALLYYYY good food :-) it was chicken, mozarella, and peppers on foccaccia bread...mm so good.
Got coffee (ALWAYS a good thing).
Thennnn had to go to the dentist...thats where the not so happy parts are lol
So I had to get 3 cavities filled...definitely not a fun thing.
For some reason, the novocaine wasn't working like it should have and i ended up having to get like 5 shots of it. While I didn't really feel the drilling then, I couldn't feel my face either for a good 4 hours after.
Anddd on top of that, when the novocaine wore off, my mouth hurt a lot...and still does. sigh.
But then things got good again!
Met up with Reenie, Jackie, and Jenn to see Music and Lyrics which I have been waiting for what feels like FOREVER to see.
We ended up running into Julia and Josh (who I haven't seen in forever so that was really nice).
The movie was ADORABLE prettty much everything i hoped for <3
Thennn we headed to the CouchHouse diner...had a milkshake, some spinich dip, etc. and had a really great time just talking and laughing with some of my favorite people.

All in all I'd say the good of the day outweighed the bad :-)

My plans for the rest of the week:
Tuesday (aka tomorrow) -- Get haircut, Shop with mommy and grandma, Hopefully go into the city to see a show with my parents!
Wednesday -- Find a job?...don't really know what else
Thursday -- WAGNER!!!!!! so excited
Friday -- During the day...don't know, At night...see Grease at RHS
Saturday -- St Patty's Day Parade!!!, Seeing Anything Goes at Bosco, St Patty's Day festivities?
Sunday -- Back to school

I'm sure you all cared a great deal about all of that <3 lots of love

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 04:54:35 GMT

I don't remember the last time I got along with my parents this well. I don't wanna jinx it or anything but the past few days have been SO so nice. I spent an entire car ride home with my mommy and it was pretty enjoyable for a change. Yesterday I spent most of my day shopping with my mom and my grandma. Then I wanted to stay over at Rob's house and i asked my parents (told them the truth for once) and they said it was my decision. So I decided to stay and it wasn't an issue. They were totally fine with it. Thenn I came home today after having not slept at alllll and went right back to bed and we just laughed about it. Then tonight, we went out to Olive Garden for dinner and didn't fight at all. Lots of laughing lots of talking. Then we got home and I watched The Chronicles of Narnia with my mommy and...YET AGAIN we got along perfectly.

I don't quite know whats going on...but im pretty sure i like it. My parents have always sort of driven me over the edge whenever things are bad, but maybe, just maybe now they'll be exactly what i need :-)

Life at home has been pretty uneventful and fairly relaxing. Other than that i have nothing else to say. Love to all <3

Sunshine, on my window

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 23:15:40 GMT

Actually, its the sunset...and it is BEAUTIFUL...pink orange, blue, green every color you can probly think of right over the mountains....it looks like a painting :-)
Anyways, the weather was GORGEOUS today..it was still a little chilly but it was definitely the first spring-like feelings i've had in a whiiiile. It was really sunny, the day was longer, I only had to wear my NorthFace fleece (instead of my big winter coat), and people just looked happier. Most importantly, I even felt happier :-) Winter has a really weird effect on emotion but i really hate it. The snow is starting to melt and I couldn't be happier, I am soooo ready for spring.

So Vagina Monologues is over :-( It's a little sad. I kinda miss everyone already. Honestly, I've never been so proud of anything I've done. It was an AMAZING show, everyone was so great and it was fun and it was important. People are STILL coming up to me (people I don't know) and telling me how great it was and how great I was. I can't even explain how good that feels. That they recognize me, that they enjoyed it, that it made some kind of impact on them however big or small. I also feel like i gained a lot of respect from the theater kids who, up till now, have only seen me behind the scenes or in musicals. It was kinda nice to prove that I'm a good actress too. All in all I'm just happy with how it went. The whole weekend too...the cast party was GREAT so much fun...I dont know it was just a happy weekend.

Now I'm stuck with tons of work, but I'm staying on to of it pretty much. Next week and this weekend is gonna be crazy, but then spring break will be such a relief. I don't have any DEFINITE plans yet except most likely seeing Grease and Anything Goes and staying at Wagner for a night. I love being home so it'll be nice to be there for more than just a weekend and maybe actually see some people lol.

As for now I'm off to dinner, a lecture, and then rehearsal for the show I'm stage managing...more about that later :-)

Miss and love everyone way too much<3

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 04:17:11 GMT

So I just talked to my parents, as I do every night...and my dad asked me how i was. Like in that serious I care and I'm worried about you. He said he knew I must be going thorugh a lot right now what with everything thats been happening, and he said that if i dont want to talk to him there are counselors and other people i can talk to here and at home.
I don't know why im writing about this...i dont really want to talk to anyone right now. But its always nice to hear it i guess...especially from my dad. I hate having my parents worry about me, but its always nice to know they care i guess. I dont know it was just something i havent heard in about a year and a half. I guess just because it didn't work the first time i probly shouldnt write it off altogether, and i know ill go back eventually, but a big part of me just wants to feel like i can do it myself, and since im not doing anything incredibly self-destructive at the moment i think im gonna stick with that for a little bit.

On a lighter note (and one you might not all wanna hear about lol) I won a vibrator at sex toy bingo tonight lol. Basically it was the most fun ive had in a REALLY long time. I just let loose and hung out with people i dont usually hang out with and we were loud and obnoxious and i won and it was just a lot of fun. Its a bibrator thats pink (how appropriate for meee) and you can plug it into your car (tho i wont cuz i dont feel like dying lol)...and that fact aside it was just a REALLY good night <3

Vagina Monologues in 2 days :-) i cant wait!

When it rains it pours...

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 06:57:15 GMT

Really now...things have a tendency of hard-core falling apart right when it seems like they might just get better. First of all, I've been in a major funk lately. I can't concentrate on anything...nothing seems worth it. The only time I ever feel like things might be ok really is when I'm at rehearsal. I feel like I'm finally learning how to use my real life emotions by getting them out through my acting. And I feel like I'm actually doing something really great with Vagina Monologues, like exactly what theater is supposed to do. Outside of that, though, things just don't feel right. I'm not as happy as I have been just hanging out...I get bitchy when we go to parties I don't like and all in all i'm really bitter which i think i hate the most. Why can't I be happy for people when good things happen for them? Why am I so self-centered that everything that happens in other people's lives has to affect me??? Long story short, my friend Kim and her bf JUST broke up and later that night she had already found a new guy on campus who shes now "together" ish with. They don't want a relationship, but they pretty much have one anyway lol. Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Kim...and this guy seems like a pretty good guy...I just can't help but feel bad about myself whenever I think about it....which I guess is pretty ridiculous. Its just that its hard for me to understand why it is that some people can find people no problem...and I never really can...whats wrong with me? which is a stupid question but really...i know shes gorgeous and I want her to be happy, but this always seems to happen. Other people seem to always get what I want easily but they don't reallyy want it at all. I don't know it's all silly but it's been bothering me a lot, and the saddest thing is that I'm lettting effect me so much that I'm finding it really hard to have fun.
Basically it feels like depression is setting back in...Maybe it's the winter, i dont know, but it feels wrong and I can't figure out how to be happy again.

Meanwhile, this is all INCREDIBLY trite and stupid when I think about all my roommate is going through right now. I don't want to get into details, but she just found out earlier today that her cousin (she was going to be 20 today, and goes to school in Arizona but lives in NY) was shot and killed by a guy she knew, as was her friend who was visiting her for the weekend. I feel horrible, especially since todays also my roommate's birthday. And I don't even know how she'll begin to handle this and i really really don't know how to help. I know all I can do is be there for her, and I have been so she seems to be holding up pretty well. It's just yet another thing that I don't understand and I don't understand why this horrible tragedies keep happening to me and the people I love. I hate having to see her upset, and I hate that I can't fix it...and it just makes me feel horrible about thinking about my little stupid problems but i guess the fact that I don't know how to handle them scares me a lot. The concept of dying so young has started to hit me hard in the last couple years, and I guess the idea of never having found success or happiness scares me a lot.

I know there's a lot in this entry, but i need to add one thing. If you get anything out of this entry, I hope it's this...I would REALLY really appreciate if you read this, especially if you're not able to see the Vagina Monologues this year. (I STRONGLY recommend seeing it tho, if not mine then somewhere else.) This is the spotlight monologue (I say the last paragraph), and the spotlight this year is on women in conflict zones. Pretty much this is what the Vagina Monologues is all about. This is why I'm doing it and this is why it is amazing and the only thing that reallly makes sense in my life right now.

We make decisions all the time. Decisions about Them. Them is always different than us. Them has no face. Them is a little bit deserving of all the bad that happens to them. Them is used to violence -- it's in their blood.

There are rules about them. We keep them over there, out of sight, conceptual. We do not get close enough to touch or smell or know them. We do not want to see how easily we could become them -- how quickly violence arrives, how swiftly people turn, embracing racist hate. We do not want to know or touch the parts of ourselves that are capable of behaving like them.

Sometimes, if we are lucky, an image, a poem, an invitation to a foreign place pierces our perception. We suddenly stare down at a photograph on the cover of Newsday -- six Bosnian girls just returned from a rape camp. Their faces are beautiful and young and destroyed. We see their utter incomprehension and terror. We feel their shame.

We are compelled. We go and meet these women -- young, old, Muslim, Croatian, Serbian, Haitian, Rwandan, Afghan, Chechen, Lebanese. We sit in dusty barracks, makeshift refugee camps, peeling centers. We hold the strong earthbound hands of the farm women longing for their land, we walk through beet fields with the woman with strawberry stains as she describes the execution of her parents, we sit in a hot room in a crowded refugee hotel with a mother and six children -- one of her sons lies suspended in a bed, mute from three months in a concentration camp. We watch woman after woman shake, pace, smoke, choke, weep as they describe the gang rapes, the public rapes, the rapes of mothers, sisters, and grandmothers. We see how they have lost their homes and identities. That they do not eat or can't stop eating. We hear how they did not expect this or want this. Our secure usness, our little usness begins to unravel. It is dangerous.

When we think of war, we think of it as something that happens to men in fields or jungles. We think of hand grenades and scud missiles. We think of the moment of violence -- the blast, the explosion. But war is really a consequence -- the effects of which are not known or felt for months, years, generations. And because consequences are usually not televised -- by then the war is no longer sexy because the ratings are gone -- the consequences remain invisible. As long as they are bombing Iraq for example, it is seen 24 hours a day on television. It is the bombing, the explosions in the dark that keep us watching. As long as there are snipers outside of Sarejevo, Sarejevo exists.

But after the bombing, after the sniper, that's when the real war begins.

It is found in the broken down fabric of community, in the death of trust, in the destruction of the every day patterns of living. In trauma and depression, poverty and homelessness and starvation. In the emasculation and rage of the victim. In the new violence: the traumatized soldier beating his wife, the teenage boys already plotting revenge, the ongoing panic of the children.

When we think of war, we do not think of women. Because the work of survival, of restoration, is not glamorous work. Like most women's work, it is undervalued, underpaid and impossible. After war, men are often shattered, unable to function. Women not only work, but they create peace networks, find ways to bring about healing. They teach in home schools when the school buildings are destroyed. Build gardens in the middle of abandoned railroad tracks. They pick up the pieces although they usually haven't fired a gun.

How do you make war matter? How do you make destruction matter? How do you make people's suffering thousands of miles away matter? How do you make this world, this life, in all its mystery and injustice, matter?

This is where theater comes in. Theater insists that we inhabit the present tense -- not the virtual tense or the politically correct tense. Theater demands that we truly be where we are. By being there together, we are able to confront the seemingly impossible, we are able to feel that which we fear might destroy us -- and we are educated and transformed by the act.

This year V-Day is focusing on women in conflich zones. We are focusing on women in the midst of war or in the aftermath of it. We are drawing the connection between family violence and state violence. We are exposing the fact that if a government supports the use of force, weapons, violence as a method of control and dominance, this gives license to the same kind of behavior at home.

This year we are Reclaiming Peace. We are taking back the word, the concept, the possibility. We are saying that making Peace must be the first option. Communication, respect, dialogue, compassion, kindness, generosity are the hard work of Peace -- the necessary work and the priority. We are asking you to join in this discourse. To ask what happened to Peace. To ask what Peace is.

There is a new way, a way that is not forced or exploded open with bombs and guns and machetes. instead it is melted open. It is invited in through strategy, wisdom, care and a deep regard for the future of life. We stand with our sisters from Beirut to Baghdad, Kandahar to darfur. We know their suffering is our suffering.

We know that if the human species is to survive, the time of war must end.

We ask you to be bolder this year and kinder, more careful -- to bring the energy of peace to every aspect of your life. We ask you to speak out, stand up for an end to violence.

Happy Valentine's Day (a little late)

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 06:19:41 GMT

Today wasn't as absolutely awful as I was expected...largely impart to a much-needed snow day :-)
I spent the day in Kim and Christina's room doing absolutely nothing. I finished knitting an entire scarf, read a little, and basically watched liek 4 straight hours of Without a Trace lol which ive discovered is actually a pretty good show. We ordered chinese for dinner which was the best comfort food there could be and then we didnt have to venture out into the snow. Then there was a "study break" in the penthouse (12th floor of my building) where the Bandersnatchers (our all-male accapella group i love) sang <3 so that was fun and i got more chocolate and cookies lol Sadly a fire alarm went off around 11 and we were forced out into the snow...keep in mind i was wearing just a sweatshirt and sandals with socks. It was not so much fun. Now I'm sitting in my room watching 10 things. It's not making me sad :-) probly just cuz its so familiar and i love it so much its almost comforting.

I'm not quite sure why today didn't suck...i guess i should probly just accept that sometimes life can be ok. Everythings just been sort of blah lately, i can't manage to make myself feel what I want to feel. I'm also getting really bitter about the good thing thats happening for one of my friends when i really shouldnt be. I want her to be happy I really really do, I just sometimes kinda wish things like this could happen for me.

I can't complain about not having a miserable valentine's day, and believe me im not complaining at alllll. I just hate this in-between point. Not just with today, but with everything. I should be content with life being ok but for some reason I can't be, I feel like it should either be really really good or really really bad, and I hate that but I don't know how to accept other things.

Now that I've stopped making sense altogether I'm gonna just go and leave you all with love and hugs and kisses and the knowledge that i miss you WAY way much <3

Here's some lyrics of the song "Even Angels Fall" from 10 Things that I absolutely love...

You've found hope
You've found faith,
Found how fast she could take it away.
Found true love,
Lost your heart.
Now you don't know who you are.

She made it easy,
Made it free,
Made you hurt til you couldn't see.
Sometimes it stops,
Sometimes it flows,
But baby that is how love goes.

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.

It's a secret no one tells;
One day it's heaven, one day it's hell.
It's no fairy tale;
Take it from me,
That's the way it's supposed to be.

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.

You laugh, you cry, no one knows why
Behold the thrill of it all...
You're on the ride
You might as well
Open your eyes

Wandering Thoughts

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 07:09:58 GMT

I've been thinking nonstop over the past few days for understandable reasons. I have trouble sleeping and can't focus on anything in particular cuz im just sad and thinking about things all the time. I'm so happy I was home this weekend, it was one of the hardest few days of my life but its made me realize just how lucky i am. I struggle with my faith a lot but its times like this that make me believe in some kind of force in the universe that must be looking out for me, because theres no way I'd ever be able to get through things on my own.

I have amazing friends. Most people dont ever get as lucky as I am to have these truly unbelievable people in their lives and I couldn't be more thankful. I guess this is sort of why I struggle with my issues so much. Because I really cant help my unhappiness and the rational part in my brain wants to explain it away but it can't its just there and sometimes its something you just have to live with and work through and just keep living. The idea of suicide scared me so much and i guess this all effected me so much because its such a real thing. There are days when i jsut feel so totally and completely down that i dont really know if im gonna be able to pick myself back up again. Somehow I've found the strength to just carry on anyway and I don't really know how. Sometimes it gets worse because i fees so guilty about it. Because i AM incredibly lucky and blessed, and i do know that. I feel bad being unhappy when there are people out there who have it so much worse than i do. But sometimes you just can't help it. It has nothing to do with anyone else or the things and people i have or dont have. Sometimes it doesnt even have anything to do with me, it just is. And I guess thats what makes it so scary, the lack of control, the guilt.
I have my family, and i have my friends. and I am thankful for them and they have gotten me through everything these past years and i am terrified to think about what i would do without them.

What happened has nothing to do with me, but maybe its helped a little. Maybe it can help other people too. It's made me think, and its made me confident and its made me proud of my strength and thankful for what I have. I never would have been able to put this out there a week ago and now i can.
I'm scared.
I'm scared things won't ever really be "ok".
I'm scared I'll never know what happiness is.
I'm scared I'll lose the people I love.
I'm scared I've already lost myself.
I'm scared that I won't ever find the help I need, and
I'm scared that I don't really want help.

Most of all, I guess I'm kind of scared that I might just be ok now. That this is the way my life is supposed to be and that it will go on like this forever and I will spend my whole life settling.
I'm really scared of settling.

I don't know what to think anymore, now that I've just let everything come out. My mind is blank and my stomachs kind of doing flip-flops. Physically it feels horrible, mentally im just confused and a little numb.

*This was a stream of consciousness that I felt was necessary for me to get out in this time that I'm struggling with a lot of things. I appreciate that you're all here for me if i need you and i love you for it*

Prayers

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 17:11:19 GMT

I can't believe this and I can't believe there's nothing I can do about it. Shit like this isn't supposed to happen to people i know. It feels like the world shouldn't keep going when something like this happens. Apparently a kid I went to high school with (he was a senior now, pretty much brilliant accepted to an ivy league) was found dead this morning. I don't know the whole story apparently he was found in the courtyard of our school and he fell of the top of the building or something its horrible and its kind of making me sick. School was cancelled and everyone even those of us in college have heard about it already. I dont really know what to think tho...I'm going home tomorrow to see all these people and the high school I left and its just not gonna be the same and I don't know what to think and I can't even imagine what the people who knew him better are thinking. I guess its all just kind of shocking.
Pray for him, and his family and friends...
I love you all more than you know <3

Don't you see your dreams lie right in the palm of your hand

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 00:54:40 GMT

I really should be doing work, but I kinda decided my time would be better spent rambling about life here! :-)

Things have been going alright. This weekend was kinda great, I wrote about the retreat friday, then saturday I got back and it was kinda sad cuz Elana (the roomie) was really sick with this bad stomach virus (more on that later...). But the rest of the day was ok and that night i drank a bit (and by a bit i mean a lot) and went to a concert thing on campus and then went back and played Kings (such a good game) with Kim, Christina, Matthias (Kim's bf who was visiting), and Chris. It was a really low-key night but just a lot of fun. The next couple days were fairly uneventful, kinda just hung around, did work and such. Had some nice random times with Kim and Christina. As far as that goes, I must say, my self-esteem issues were kinda kicking in a little lately. It's hard this whole making new friends thing. I think back to the start of a lot of my current friendships and i was always wondering if they really liked me and really wanted to be my friend or if i was just always hanging around them and being annoying (silly i know but still a fact), and after this past week, i kinda just feel like they really care. So what if i haven't made tons of great friends in college...i've only been here a little more than one semester and ive already met some awesome people, even though we may not be as close as I'd like. But I HAVE met these two unbelievable friends and its weird to think ive only known them for a few months cuz theyre already two of my best friends, and i am SO so so lucky to have that. so i guess what I'm trying to say is I'm pretty happy.

Moving on though, life was going on as usual and thennn last night, I was completely fine the whole day, then got into bed and like 130 and it all went to hell lol. Apparently I had caught that bad stomach virus that Elana had (and is currently going around campus). It sucked a lot, i didn't sleep at all..i'll save you the gory details but it was just bad. Then I had to miss all my classes yesterday and I hate doing that...but i did sleep a lot and now i feel a LOT better. Luckily it was just a 24 hour thing so as bad as it was its better than something that lasts a while.

But really thats been the only bad thing happening lately. And it kinda came at a nice time cuz I'm gonna be home this weekend to see Forum :-) I've been slightly homesick lately too so im really excited. Anddd im excited for the show, I know they're gonna be amazing, tho it is gonna be a little sad not to be up there with them. (ps, i appologize if i dont get to see you this weekend but spring break is just around the corner and you know i love you alll <3)

In other news, Vagina Monologues are still going really well...im actually getting pretty confident with my monologues which is really nice. They still need work and everything but I'm proud of myself so far so thats really nice. *cough cough FEBRUARY 23RD AND 24TH cough cough* ahem :-) teehee

Love and miss everyone!! I'm off to actually do that work now!

I Love Vaginas <3

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 21:19:56 GMT

Last night was my Vagina Retreat. It was unbelievable. I know this sounds kinda ridiculous, but i really think that this thing is changing my life a little bit. I've never been in such an open environment when I can feel ok to just say anythign and get everything out there and just deal with it all. Basically we had an entire night of sharing...some of the girls told things theyd never told anyone else before and i guess i felt kinda honored to be a part of that and to have some people so much trust in me. We watched a movie about the V-Day campaign that just made me feel like I'm a part of something huge that can do so much good for the world. I pretty much spent the whole night crying and bonding with these AMAZING amazing girls. They are all so so strong, theyve gotten through so much and I have so much respect for them. It's so nice to have made such great new friends...its also kinda nice how easy it was :-)

So on that note i really must do some work...but just fyi...the weekend of my show has changed (grrr dont get me started), so now the shows are Friday Feb 23 at 7 and the 24th at 2 and 7! So if you just so happen to be in the area..feel free to stop by lol <3 much love

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 20:43:26 GMT

It took me a while to decide whether I actually wanted to do this or not...mainly because there are some things i guess i SHOULD say to people....good and bad...probly out of fear I don't really know....but I guess I'm just that bored lol

list some things that you would want to say to 15 different people, but probably never will
dont say who they are
feel free to comment but dont give away anything
if you comment asking if one of them is you, im going to ignore you

1. You're the best friend I've ever had, and I don't know what I'd do without you, but right now, im kind of worried. I'm afraid that you're not happy and that your going to let things spiral out of control and that worries me because I love you and want you to be ok.

2. What you're doing is not safe and you know it. And I don't know how to help.

3. I miss you, plain and simple. You played a pretty huge part in my life these past couple years whether you know that or not. I don't know if things will ever really be like they used to, but I just want you to know that I love you and I'll always be there if you need me. You mean a lot to me whether we're close right now or not.

4. I want you to find what makes you happy. I don't have any idea what that is and I don't think you know yet either but you will find it, so just hang in there till then.

5. I miss the way things used to be, but lately, I've felt like things are kind of back with us and that makes me really happy. I think you trust me and I hope you know I trust you...I like knowing that I can be there when you need me, but most of all i LOVE seeing you so happy lately.

6. (For 2 people) I was really afraid I wasn't going to make any friends in college, and then I met you two...and now I'm not worried at all. I know I've got some of the best friends in the world and I am SO lucky because of it.

7. You're one of the best people I've ever met. My feelings towards you have always kind of confused me...but now I think I have it figured out...we're just meant to be friends...really REALLY good friends. I can tell you anything and you tell me things too...and I wouldn't trade that friendship in for anything.

8. Sometimes I get afraid that we're growing apart...and then I see you and things are exactly the same and I know I have absolutely nothing to worry about. You came into my life at a really important point...and you made things so much better i don't quite know how to thank you for it.

9. I want to hate you, but I don't know how. You changed my life and sometimes I wish you hadn't, but then I wouldn't be who I am right now, and I gotta say, I kinda like me.

10. Our friendship is kind of surprising in my mind, but I couldn't be happier that we've gotten to this point. You're a great person and if other people don't see that it's their problem, you'll always have me.

11. You make me feel really special and I love you for it. I love that you'll always be there and that you really care. Cheesey as it may be...nevery stop dreaming, you're becoming a really amazing person and I'm so proud of you.

12. You always make me laugh. I feel like I've known you forever and I don't know what I'd do without you. Don't overanalyzee too much, life will be good to you.

13. We don't talk anymore and that makes me sad. For some reason I'm having a fealy hard time letting go of this particular friendship but the only effort I make to talk again are silly vague lj entries.

14. I don't know when you became one of the greatest friends I've ever had, but I really am happy you did.

15. I wish we were closer like we were at one point. I haven't seen you in a while for reasons beyond my control...and I don't really know how to fix things with us...but I do miss you.

Laughter :-)

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 06:03:12 GMT

In my opinion, laughing is one of the greatest feelings in the world. Mainly laughter where you just don't care how you look at that moment or what other people think..or whether ANYONE else finds this particular thing funny. Laughing at yourself for example, is insanely therepeutic. To quote garden state: "If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you like." Basically laughter can make any night better, any situation less awkward, and any mood just a little bit brighter. :-)

I had a really great night tonight in case you hadn't noticed. It was very simple and kind of fabulous with some really great people. This break has really helped me realize who my real friends are and who I can REALLY be myself around, and that makes me really happy. Basically, katie, meredith, reenie and mary all came over tonight to watch "You're the One that I Want" the Grease reality show...which i must say im kinda obsessed with. (Why is reality tv so addicting?) We yelled for the people we liked and made fun of the people we didn't and didn't care how silly we might have looked. Thennn we decided (as per tradition...welll a tradition that began last week lol) to pick out a movie...and realized that we were alll in love with Josie and the Pussycats...the best movie ever (join the army). teehee we laughed a lot, made fun of it...discussed how much we want to BE josie and the pussycats and how much we love them lol. Then we discovered the special features...which happened to include a DuJour music video...basically the best thing ever. (ps how many times have i said basically here..oy) To end our night, a rousing game of Scene it was clearly necessary. This included Reenie owning us all lol, katie remaining pretty much on the start box lol, and a feww intense staring contests...Meredith: "Wait...can we blink" ahhahahaha then katie and i crying THROUGH our staring contest...oh good times good times <3

All in all, i had a really good night, I laughed a lot...and it felt amazing :-)
love you all

PS. I grabbed a soda cuz i was in the mood...most of the soda in our house is caffeine free....this one is not. oopsy :-)

2007?

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 06:48:02 GMT

I really want to be reflective and eloquent and deep regarding the new year...so i am going to try. But lets be honest, i have NO idea whats gonna come out here im just gonna write and i guess well wait and see lol

I'm not sure how I feel about 2006. Right from the start I was kinda indifferent towards it, pretty much not too excited. It was a year of kind of big stuff i guess...I graduated high school, went to college. When I look back, 2006 really feels like 2 separate years divided between my high school world and college.
When I look back on the end of high school i have some good memories and some bad ones. Lots of drama, but also lots of fun times...and i guess thats kinda what life's all about... the thing is i think thats what makes it so hard for me to figure out my feelings concerning the year as a whole. I didn't take too many chances in high school...I was never REALLY happy and i never really knew much about myself cuz i never really took the time to find out.
Then summer happened...i hoped for more out of it. more experience, more...anything really. I met some great people...working on the shows for onstage really helped expand my love for all aspects of theater and all people involved in it. I guess that was good for me in the end...I just wasnt really satisfied that i had grown at all as a person.
And then college happened, and everything seemed to fall EXACTLY in its place. I don't think i've ever been as happy as i am at Skidmore. I feel like I can be me. I may not know that many people yet or be THAT comfortable with the people i do know...but i have found a few great friends. I have found things i love that i never would have thought about before. I am working harder than I ever have and actually enjoying it for a change. I'm making good choices and great things are coming from them. I'm not obsessively worried about grades for once and instead ACTUALLY worried about learning. I always knew that was the way things were supposed to be but i never truly understood how. I feel like this is the first time I'm really ok with who i am, maybe even happy with it...and that feels kind of amazing :-)

I don't want to have high hopes for this year. High hopes often lead to being let down. So I'm just going to say i hope that things continue as they have been for the past few months, because if being me can actually make me happy for once i dont know what else i can ask for <3

Here's to 2007-- to new things, to great things, and most importantly (as always) to health and happines for all <3
i love you all more than you can know...have a great year :-)

Too Lazy

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 17:35:54 GMT

name?: Katherine Sommer
Are you named after anyone?: yupp my great grandma
What's your screename?: bach87
Would you name a child of yours after you?: nope
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?: Aaron
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?: my name works for me i think
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?: well mispronunciations with my last name ALL the time....and my first name, well theres about 2 billion ways to spell it
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?: i dont think so

Basics
Your gender:: female
Straight/Gay/Bi:: bi (curious)
Single?: yup
If not, do you want to be?:
Birthdate:: October 13, 1987
Your age:: 19
Age you act:: depends on my mood and who im with
Age you wish you were:: 7
Your height:: 5'6"
Eye color:: hazel
Happy with it?: very
Hair color:: brown
Happy with it?: yupp
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous:: righty
Your living arrangement:: currently in a house with my parents in glen rock, nj...but most other times in a dorm room with elana in saratoga springs, ny
Your family:: pretty normal and boring lol
Do you live in the moment?: i try to...
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: yeah
Do you have any secrets?: of course
Do you hate yourself?: no
Do you like your handwriting?: its alright
Do you have any bad habits?: tons....everyone does
What is the compliment you get from most people?: umm legs a lot of the time
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: i have no idea
What's your biggest fear?: losing the people i love
Can you sing?: welll i enjoy it and im not bad
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: hahaha nooo
Are you a loner?: not really
What are your #1 priorities in life?: family, friends, self
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: depends...
Are you a daredevil?: hahah not at all
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: hate is a very strong word...
Are you passive or agressive?: almost always passive
Do you have a journal?: your looking at it
What is your greatest strength and weakness?: hmm dunno exactly
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?: ....
Do you think you are emotionally strong?: not really at all lol
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: no regrets
Do you think life has been good so far?: yeah pretty much
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: the more you think and stress about it the less youll enjoy it
What do you like the most about your body?: legs i think
And least?: lets not think about that
Do you think you are good looking?: occasionally
Are you confident?: depends on the situation
What is the fictional character you are most like?: i have no idea
Are you perceived wrongly?: most likely

Do You...
Smoke?: nope
Do drugs?: no
Read the newspaper?: occasionally
Pray?: not really
Go to church?: no
Talk to strangers who IM you?: nope
Sleep with stuffed animals?: not really anymore
Take walks in the rain?: only in summer
Talk to people even though you hate them?: i dont really hate people...but i do talk to people i dislike
Drive?: yesss
Like to drive fast?: not really

Would or Have You Ever?
Liked your voice?: eh sometimes
Hurt yourself?: yeah
Been out of the country?: technically no...unless you count puerto rico
Eaten something that made other people sick?: sure...everyone has different tastes
Been in love?: yup
Done drugs?: nope...well alcohol...
Gone skinny dipping?: yupyup
Had a medical emergency?: yeah
Had surgery?: yup
Ran away from home?: when i was little...didnt get very far lol
Played strip poker?: no but i want to!
Gotten beaten up?: nope
Beaten someone up?: no
Been picked on?: well playfully by my friends
Been on stage?: life
Slept outdoors?: yupyup
Thought about suicide?: thought about it: yes
Pulled an all nighter?: yeahh
If yes, what is your record?: almost 48 hours
Gone one day without food?: yup
Talked on the phone all night?: nope im not a big fan of the phone
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: yup
Slept all day?: yesss
Killed someone?: oh yeah just yesterday!
Made out with a stranger?: basically
Had sex with a stranger?: no
Thought you're going crazy?: allll the time
Kissed the same sex?: yup
Done anything sexual with the same sex?: pretty much
Been betrayed?: yeah
Had a dream that came true?: possibly? i dont really remember lol
Broken the law?: lots of times
Met a famous person?: yup
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: no
On purpose?: well bugs i guess...
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?: yeah
Stolen anything?: nope
Been on radio/tv?: yeah
Been in a mosh-pit?: nah not really
Had a nervous breakdown?: yup
Bungee jumped?: nope
Had a dream that kept coming back?: ummm not really

Friends
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: yeah
Who is your best friend?: i have a few and they know who they are
Who's the one person that knows most about you?: julia and matt
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: hmm i dont know
Your favourite inside joke?: there is NO way i could pick just one
Thing you're picked on most about?: ummm kinda depends on which friends im with lol
Who's your longest known friend: all the kids i met in kindergarten
Newest?: everyone from school lol
Shyest?: probly christina
Funniest?: hmm katie i think
Sweetest?: all of them
Closest?: like in location??
Weirdest?: hahaah were all weird
Smartest?: ummm were all pretty smart too
Ditziest?: hahhaa jeri and kristine <3
Friends you miss being close to the most?: oh a lotttt of people
Last person you talked to online?: matt
Who do you talk to most online?: matt
Who are you on the phone with most?: um julia when im at school lol
Who do you trust most?: i trust most of my closes friends
Who listens to your problems?: julia and matt mainly
Who do you fight most with?: eh we dont really fight
Who's the nicest?: all of them
Who's the most outgoing?: hmm idk jeri maybe
Who's the best singer?: have you heard my friends sing?
Who's on your shit-list?: no one
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?: yeah i guess
Who's your second family?: probly julias
Do you always feel understood?: of course not
Who's the loudest friend?: were all pretty loud, especially when were together
Do you trust others easily?: yeah
Who's house were you last at?: deannas
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in: ugh i dont know
Do your friends know you?: some of them...
Friend that lives farthest away:: um danielle i think

Love and All That
Do you consider love a mistake?: nope
What do you find romantic?: lotss of things
Turn-on?: sense of humor
Turn-off?: ignorance
First kiss?: mike
If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?: bad...but theres really nothing i can do about it
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going: knowing them
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out: its not socially acceptable?? lol
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive: yeah
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: eh i have no idea maybe?
What is best about the opposite sex?: way more laid back
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: they can be veryyyy stupid
What's the last present someone gave you?: an ornament from katie :-)
Are you in love?: not at the moment
Do you consider your significant other hot?: n/a

Level 1
( ) smoked a cigarette
( ) smoked a cigar
( ) smoked weed
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
(x) drank alcohol
SO FAR: 2

Level 2
(x) said "i love you" to someone
(x) had a pet die
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
(x) fell down a mountain
SO FAR: 5

Level 3
( ) snuck out of a parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) been arrested
(x) made out with a stranger
(x) gone out on a blind date
(x) lied
SO FAR: 9

Level 4
(x) had a crush on an older person
(x) skipped school
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) seen someone/something die
SO FAR: 11

Level 5
(x) had/have a crush on one of ur Facebook friends
( ) been to Paris
( ) been to Spain
(x) been on a plane
(x) thrown up from drinking
SO FAR: 14

Level 6
(x) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
( ) met someone BECAUSE of facebook
( ) been mosh pitting
SO FAR: 15

Level 7
( ) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken pain killers
(x) love/like someone who you cant have
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
SO FAR:19

Level 8
(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
SO FAR: 24

Level 9
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
SO FAR: 28

Level 10
( ) used a fake/someone else's ID
(x) watched the sunset
( ) felt an earthquake
( ) killed a snake
SO FAR: 29

Level 11
(x) been tickled
( ) been robbed/vandalized
( ) robbed someone/vandalized
(x) been misunderstood
( ) pet a deer
SO FAR: 31

Level 12
(x) won a contest
( ) been suspended from school
(x) had detention
(x) been in a car/motorcycle accident
SO FAR: 34

Level 13
(x) had/have braces
( ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
SO FAR: 37

Level 14
(x) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime
(x) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
( ) Been obsessed with post-it notes
SO FAR: 41

Level 15
( ) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the world
(x) swam in the ocean/gulf/lake
(x) felt like you were dying
SO FAR: 44

Level 16
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sang karaoke.
(x) paid with only coins
SO FAR: 49

Level 17
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
( ) kissed in the rain
SO FAR: 52

Level 18
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun set with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire on the beach
SO FAR: 55

Level 19
(x) crashed a party
(x) have traveled more than 5 hours with a car/bus full of people
(x) gone rollerskating/blading
(x) had a wish come true
SO FAR: 59

Level 20
(x) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
(x) Screamed 'PENIS' in class
( ) gone swimming with dolphins
SO FAR: 61

Level 22
( ) got your tongue stuck to a pole/freezer
( ) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sex's clothes?
( ) sat on a roof top
SO FAR: 62

Level 23
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done/attempted a one-handed cartwheel
( ) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
SO FAR: 64

Level 24
(x) picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(x) had/been in a tree house
(x) are scared to watch scary movies alone
SO FAR: 68

Level 25
(?) believe in ghosts
(x) have/had more then 30 pairs of shoes
( ) gone streaking
( ) been in jail/visit
SO FAR: 69

Level 26
( ) played chicken
(x) been pushed/jumped into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
(x) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
SO FAR: 73

Level 27
( ) caught a fish then ate it later
(x) made or been in a video
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed
SO FAR: 77

Level 28
(x) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
( ) cheated on a test
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) slept naked
(x) French braided someone's hair
(x) gone skinny dipping in a pool
( ) been kicked out of your house
SO FAR: 83

Level 29
(x) Rode a rollercoaster
(x) went scuba-diving/snorkeling
(x) had a cavity
( ) Black-mailed someone
(x) been black mailed
SO FAR: 87

Level 30
(x) fell going up the stairs
( ) licked a cat/dog
(x) played hide and seek within the last 3 years
(x) bitten someone
(x) licked someone
SO FAR: 91

repost this with...
I've done 91 out of 144 stupid things

Vagina Monologues!!!

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 23:25:03 GMT

WEEEEE I GOT IN!!!! :-)

most of you didn't even know i was trying out im aware lol but im very excited...i have one monologue of my own (called "Hair"...take that as you will lol), and another one that i split with 2 other girls. its called "They Beat the Girl Out of my Boy…or So They Tried" and its basically about men who have had sex changes to become women and its kinda sad but really beautiful and powerful. It's written like a poem/in greek choral style. The whole production is a part of the V-Day campaign which is a REALLY awesome cause that raises awareness about violence against women. We're going to be raising money for organizations against domestic violence and to help women in conflict zones. This is something that perfectlyyy combines my interests of theater and women's studies, and I am SO excited to be a part of something so worthwhile. Performance is gonna be the first weekend in march so yay come see it lol.

i love and miss you allll <3 cant wait to see you

Soundtrack of My Life!

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 18:33:41 GMT

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Opening Credits:
True to Your Heart - Mulan

Waking Up:
Hakuna Matata - The Lion King

First Day At School:
The First Cut is the Deepest - Sheryl Crow

Childhood:
What Do I Need With Love - Thoroughly Modern Millie

Falling In Love:
Bootylicious - Destiny's Child (LOL)

Fight Song:
Baby One More Time - Britney Spears (hahhahaha)

Breaking Up:
I Can Do Better Than That - The Last Five Years (wow britania...thats kinda creepy lol)

Prom:
Anytime - Brian McKnight

Life:
I'm a Slave For You - Britney Spears (i have too much of her music apparently lol)

College:
Crazy In Love - Beyonce and Jay-Z

High School:
Quit Playing Games With My Heart - Backstreet Boys

Mental Breakdown:
Father of Mine - Everclear

Driving:
Summer Girls - LFO

Flashback:
Crazy for this Girl - Evan and Jaron

Getting Back Together:
You Can Be As Loud As the Hell You Want (When Your Making Love) - Avenue Q (hahaha weee)

Wedding:
What Would You Do - City High

Birth of Child:
Angel - Shaggy

Final Battle:
On the Willows - Godspell

Death Scene:
Days Go By - Keith Urban

Funeral Song:
Bye Bye Bye - NSync

End Credits:
Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) - Baz Luhrmann

hahaha interesting...not to mentioon a lovely waste of time <3 love you all